10-28-visiting dad

 You know what is sad? My dad isn’t even buried here. Nope. I come to an empty plot where his name is on a rock to ‘visit’ him at least once a month. It’s hard coming here and not just for reasons you would think, and yet a part of my heart finds healing when I do. 

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It’s hard here because the thoughts and feelings of having him truly gone are at my forefront. It’s hard because I know he isn’t actually buried here, he’s buried in a place that I cannot go yet. It is not safe. The reason pains my soul and haunts me in the night. It’s hard because I see my mom’s name on that rock, next to his, and I’m reminded of the pain and obsessions that come from life as a child, life when my parents separated and later divorced, who my mom became, who my dad married next, and all the family pain that followed/follows all of these life changes. I try so hard to only focus on what’s at hand in this situation, me and my dad. Our love. Our relationship. However, it’s not that simple nor that easy.

They say there is a silver lining in all things. I acknowledge the fact that I have this space close to my home, this space is not shared, there can be healing in this space, and that my dad’s love for me is still here and forever. I’m grateful he knows the truth and I know the truth, even if this knowledge doesn’t wipe away the hurt and suffering.

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So. It’s been hard. The tragedy of losing my father + the traumatic experiences that went on during and after his death + OCD = An amusement park for suffering, sorrow, and obsessive, intrusive thoughts and images. I’ve certainly been busy at work.

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It’s been 194 days since you left this world. How!? Miss you every day, ol man.
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Maybe I can find success in creating my own place.

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#ocd #ocdexposuretherapy #cemetery #ocdisreal #realocd #ocdawareness #therapy #healing #roadtorecovery #ocdrecovery

Oct 2020 Awareness

 The second full week of October is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Awareness week. I have not shared my story, nor have I admitted that this is a struggle of mine. I felt an impression to share this and I didn’t realize (until later) that it just so happens to be the week to raise awareness. I do not believe this to be a coincidence. [[Today is also World Mental Health Day, a reminder that we all need to check with ourselves and loved ones to ensure we are taking care of ourselves. This year has been hectic for multiple reasons and I think it is safe to assume that everyone, in one way or another, has felt it. What are you doing to take care of yourself!?]]

I have written, thought about, and rewritten my thoughts on this matter over and over. I have even thrown my hands in the air and nearly gave up. To be clear, I cannot adequately convey my feelings and thoughts on exactly what I have been through or what has transformed within my soul and I. I will say, however, that I am on the other side of the fence and it is lovely over here. There may be times where I walk along the fence, maybe touch the fence or even sit on the fence; but I am here, on this side and that is what matters. I believe in recovery and I am on my way there. Odds are you or someone you know lives with or has recovered from this disorder. Education yourself on the matter can help you learn how to care for, interact with and mindfully talk with those loved ones that are afflicted.

This term is often casually thrown around. It is often used to describe someone who keeps things neat and tidy or in order, though that is not even the tip of the iceberg for some people; for others that isn’t even a part of their disorder. One might think of Monica from Friends or mOnk when they hear the word OCD, though those characters do not show the severity of this disorder fully. OCD is tricky in the fact that it is heterogeneous, complex, and difficult to understand. Within OCD a person can have multiple subtypes, like me, and creates an onion-like effect.

Through healing, I discovered that Carl Jung was right: “what you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” He also had the idea of Shadow-Integrating, merging both light and darkness, allowing one to let go of pain and allow healing; no longer resisting. This has played a big part in my healing and recovery.

To say I’m grateful for this trial feels a bit stretched, but I am grateful for all that has come of it. I am so thankful for my husband being by my side, loving, supporting, and encouraging me through it all. He also had OCD, though his differs from mine, I’m thankful for a similar understanding, that I can help him and he can help me. And so, together, we build a life that we love which includes overcoming, learning, growing, and loving. Aka-kissing. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to kiss him. Yes, I totally went there!

I’m so grateful for my relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the spiritual experiences this has brought to me, that saved me, kept me going, and brought me closer to Them and my husband and kids. I’m thankful for those who are on the other side of the veil that has been here with me. I believe the atonement can work miracles in our lives. I believe Ether 12:27 “...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them…’ I believe in personal revelation. I choose to hear HIm and to trust Him. All things that have aided my healing and will continue to do so.