My tribute to you, Dad

Although my father was unable to beat his brain disease, he was a fighter through and through and lived life to the fullest. Growing up he always taught me that love is forever, to be compassionate, forgive, and serve. He raised me to love God, make the best of circumstances, and be honest and truthful. I will never forget the time he sat on the front room floor full of love and compassion, teaching me the importance of stranger danger after a choice I made earlier that day. He encouraged me to abide by his counsel, to always tell the truth no matter how hard, and expressed I am loved no matter the mistakes I make. I knew from that moment on he was a safe and loving place to confide in, that no matter what life brought, he would be there. I always felt safe when he was around, even when I thought I was failing at life. This theme carried into my adulthood. No matter the ups and downs that I faced, I could always count on him. He had a strong presence, always wanting to be involved, and teasing me to the point of sore cheeks. You could tell him anything and knew that he would never judge you, but instead would give love freely, encourage you to follow your instincts, and trust the Lord. I miss my Dad’s wonderful presence every day, the multiple conversations a week, and his true belief in me. I’m so grateful for the time I had with him.

A Tribute To My Dad 11-1-21

 "A Tribute To My Dad"

Who is that man with the gentle face,

Who in his youth kept a hectic pace,

To provide for his family, all that he could,

Who is that man so giving and good?

Who is that man with the ready smile,

Who always took time to sit for a while?

He was there when his family needed him there.

Who is that man with the gray in his hair?

Who is that man who encouraged us all,

And helped us up when we took a fall,

Spending a lifetime extending his hand,

Who is that kind, compassionate man?

Who is that man who we all adore,

The man who these words of devotion are for?

I’ll tell you with all of the love that I can,

My Dad is that truly exceptional man!

10-28-visiting dad

 You know what is sad? My dad isn’t even buried here. Nope. I come to an empty plot where his name is on a rock to ‘visit’ him at least once a month. It’s hard coming here and not just for reasons you would think, and yet a part of my heart finds healing when I do. 

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It’s hard here because the thoughts and feelings of having him truly gone are at my forefront. It’s hard because I know he isn’t actually buried here, he’s buried in a place that I cannot go yet. It is not safe. The reason pains my soul and haunts me in the night. It’s hard because I see my mom’s name on that rock, next to his, and I’m reminded of the pain and obsessions that come from life as a child, life when my parents separated and later divorced, who my mom became, who my dad married next, and all the family pain that followed/follows all of these life changes. I try so hard to only focus on what’s at hand in this situation, me and my dad. Our love. Our relationship. However, it’s not that simple nor that easy.

They say there is a silver lining in all things. I acknowledge the fact that I have this space close to my home, this space is not shared, there can be healing in this space, and that my dad’s love for me is still here and forever. I’m grateful he knows the truth and I know the truth, even if this knowledge doesn’t wipe away the hurt and suffering.

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So. It’s been hard. The tragedy of losing my father + the traumatic experiences that went on during and after his death + OCD = An amusement park for suffering, sorrow, and obsessive, intrusive thoughts and images. I’ve certainly been busy at work.

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It’s been 194 days since you left this world. How!? Miss you every day, ol man.
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Maybe I can find success in creating my own place.

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#ocd #ocdexposuretherapy #cemetery #ocdisreal #realocd #ocdawareness #therapy #healing #roadtorecovery #ocdrecovery

Oct 2020 Awareness

 The second full week of October is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Awareness week. I have not shared my story, nor have I admitted that this is a struggle of mine. I felt an impression to share this and I didn’t realize (until later) that it just so happens to be the week to raise awareness. I do not believe this to be a coincidence. [[Today is also World Mental Health Day, a reminder that we all need to check with ourselves and loved ones to ensure we are taking care of ourselves. This year has been hectic for multiple reasons and I think it is safe to assume that everyone, in one way or another, has felt it. What are you doing to take care of yourself!?]]

I have written, thought about, and rewritten my thoughts on this matter over and over. I have even thrown my hands in the air and nearly gave up. To be clear, I cannot adequately convey my feelings and thoughts on exactly what I have been through or what has transformed within my soul and I. I will say, however, that I am on the other side of the fence and it is lovely over here. There may be times where I walk along the fence, maybe touch the fence or even sit on the fence; but I am here, on this side and that is what matters. I believe in recovery and I am on my way there. Odds are you or someone you know lives with or has recovered from this disorder. Education yourself on the matter can help you learn how to care for, interact with and mindfully talk with those loved ones that are afflicted.

This term is often casually thrown around. It is often used to describe someone who keeps things neat and tidy or in order, though that is not even the tip of the iceberg for some people; for others that isn’t even a part of their disorder. One might think of Monica from Friends or mOnk when they hear the word OCD, though those characters do not show the severity of this disorder fully. OCD is tricky in the fact that it is heterogeneous, complex, and difficult to understand. Within OCD a person can have multiple subtypes, like me, and creates an onion-like effect.

Through healing, I discovered that Carl Jung was right: “what you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” He also had the idea of Shadow-Integrating, merging both light and darkness, allowing one to let go of pain and allow healing; no longer resisting. This has played a big part in my healing and recovery.

To say I’m grateful for this trial feels a bit stretched, but I am grateful for all that has come of it. I am so thankful for my husband being by my side, loving, supporting, and encouraging me through it all. He also had OCD, though his differs from mine, I’m thankful for a similar understanding, that I can help him and he can help me. And so, together, we build a life that we love which includes overcoming, learning, growing, and loving. Aka-kissing. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to kiss him. Yes, I totally went there!

I’m so grateful for my relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the spiritual experiences this has brought to me, that saved me, kept me going, and brought me closer to Them and my husband and kids. I’m thankful for those who are on the other side of the veil that has been here with me. I believe the atonement can work miracles in our lives. I believe Ether 12:27 “...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them…’ I believe in personal revelation. I choose to hear HIm and to trust Him. All things that have aided my healing and will continue to do so.

Dad's diagnostic letter to PCP

December 21, 2007

Kenneth Crump, MD

3200 N Canyon Rd Ste E

Provo, UT 84604

RE: John E. Simpson

Date of visit: July 10, 2007

Dear Dr. Crump,

I had the pleasure of seeing your patient Mr. Simpson per your consultation. As you know he is a 44-year-old male with a recent diagnosis of cerebral vasculitis. the history was reviewed with the patient and mother as well as reviewing his past records.

Mr. Simpson has a history of a primary brain tumor at age 13. He was treated with whole-brain radiation with excellent response. He suffered from his first seizure (generalized) at age 22 and was teat with antiepileptic medications. He reports having about one seizure every seven years until five years ago when we began to have them more frequently up to 3 times a month resulting in the need for additional medications. In addition, he developed episodes of "surges" an ill-described sensation in his head heralding seizures. He underwent multiple AED trials. Ultimately all these symptoms have been controlled with his current regimen.

His recent neurologic symptoms began in December of 2006 when his wife first noted to have the gradual worsening of dysarthria, short-term memory difficulty, and poor balance. He then developed new severe frequent migraine headaches with nausea ultimately leading to the use of narcotics to alleviate. He denies any history of abrupt neurological deficits but has complaints of numbness of his feet.

He underwent an extensive workup which included negative factor V Leiden, CRP 2.3, ESR 2, normal PT, PTT, normal antithrombin activity, negative lupus anticoagulant, normal protein C and S, negative ANA, ANCA, RF, Anticardiolipan IGG 6 and IgM 22. CN: pupils equal and reactive, face symmetric normal sensation, palate symmetric. Motor: normal, tone and strength throughout. Sensory: patchy decrease. DTR: 2/4.

Impressions: This is a 44-year-old male now 30 years sp whole-brain radiation who has now had 8 months history of progressive headache multifocal neurological symptoms and diffuse angiographic changes not responsive to high dose steroids. I believe he suffers from radiation-induced vasculopathy, although rare this condition usually onset great than 20 years after whole-brain radiation and is manifest by multifocal small vessel stroke, vascular headaches, and progressive dementia. The vasculopathy is notoriously non-responsive to steroids. Unfortunately, this condition is generally considered progressive and incurable. There has been some discussion in the literature regarding the use of ACE- inhibitors, and statins for membrane stabilization.

I recommend starting an SSRI for mood stabilization.

Elaine J. Skalabrin, MD

Associate Professor of Neurology

CC: Joseph Watkins, MD

Stroke Center director at U's Clinical Neurosciences Center and Associate Professor of Neurology at the U Medical School.