Over the weekend, Sunday night in particular I had an extreme panic attack. So intense that I feared I’d have to go to the hospital, the first time intrusive thoughts of suicide flooded my mind with graphic pictures and a true sense of worry and concern that I could very well follow through on such thoughts. I now know that those extreme thoughts and images were simply my brain trying to solve a problem {what OCD loves to do}, to end the intense feelings and death was the only thing my brain could muster at the moment. Clearly, I am not truly suicidal and enjoy my life. Though, struggling with OCD can make life harder.
The following day, Monday, I know that through God I was able to see my therapist that morning. I was called by their office asking if I would like an appointment time that had been canceled by another client. I made more connections during that session. Because of my state that day, and the type of session I had because of it, I was able to see certain OCD tendencies clearly, I understood what my OCD was and has been doing in some areas. Knowledge is power.
My usual go-to ritual when OCD is overwhelming, creeping in to take over, is a panic attack. My brain sends signals to my body that things are not okay. My body starts to feel real, literal sensations that tend to take over against my will. This includes nausea, excess pooping, tightness in my core, the inability to feel the effects of breathing deep, and tingling energy that spreads from my stomach to my extremities. When circumstances get to this point I start to shut down, as a sense of surrendering to the monster that is taking over. I fear the monster, I fear what the monster will bring and it is my fear that allows the monster to create and follow through with what I fear. Compulsions such as isolation, sensory input (health and unhealthy), self-hate talk such as frustrations, annoyance, expectations, and running to the bathroom, taking cold baths or showers, using ice-packs to keep me cold, and shivering, in some instances causing myself to throw-up, ritual praying and breathing techniques.
The connection I made about this in therapy is that this response to OCD is actually a ritual. I’ve always thought that my body had no other option than to run the course of these sensations because OCD and anxiety were doing this to me, how could I stop a physiological effect? That the only way for me to feel better was to go through this hell. When in reality, those compulsions were only an attempt to have momentary relief, but they also feed the OCD. The physical sensations are real, they truly are present, but my mind can make a shift to create new neuropathways. I can manually shift the gears in my brain to move on from that stuck moment and begin to heal and progress.
Clearly, isolation was not helping, which is my default response or compulsion, which had a domino effect to other compulsions farthing the ritual. My therapist presented an alternative. A space to let me feel what I was feeling without labeling it. OCD panic attack episodes are nor pass/fail, black/white, good/bad. They are simply a feeling, a sensation that is presenting itself because of an underlining issue that wants to be heard and addressed. That by surrounding myself with comfort and positive physical sensations can impact for the greater good.
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