10-28-visiting dad

 You know what is sad? My dad isn’t even buried here. Nope. I come to an empty plot where his name is on a rock to ‘visit’ him at least once a month. It’s hard coming here and not just for reasons you would think, and yet a part of my heart finds healing when I do. 

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It’s hard here because the thoughts and feelings of having him truly gone are at my forefront. It’s hard because I know he isn’t actually buried here, he’s buried in a place that I cannot go yet. It is not safe. The reason pains my soul and haunts me in the night. It’s hard because I see my mom’s name on that rock, next to his, and I’m reminded of the pain and obsessions that come from life as a child, life when my parents separated and later divorced, who my mom became, who my dad married next, and all the family pain that followed/follows all of these life changes. I try so hard to only focus on what’s at hand in this situation, me and my dad. Our love. Our relationship. However, it’s not that simple nor that easy.

They say there is a silver lining in all things. I acknowledge the fact that I have this space close to my home, this space is not shared, there can be healing in this space, and that my dad’s love for me is still here and forever. I’m grateful he knows the truth and I know the truth, even if this knowledge doesn’t wipe away the hurt and suffering.

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So. It’s been hard. The tragedy of losing my father + the traumatic experiences that went on during and after his death + OCD = An amusement park for suffering, sorrow, and obsessive, intrusive thoughts and images. I’ve certainly been busy at work.

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It’s been 194 days since you left this world. How!? Miss you every day, ol man.
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Maybe I can find success in creating my own place.

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#ocd #ocdexposuretherapy #cemetery #ocdisreal #realocd #ocdawareness #therapy #healing #roadtorecovery #ocdrecovery

Oct 2020 Awareness

 The second full week of October is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Awareness week. I have not shared my story, nor have I admitted that this is a struggle of mine. I felt an impression to share this and I didn’t realize (until later) that it just so happens to be the week to raise awareness. I do not believe this to be a coincidence. [[Today is also World Mental Health Day, a reminder that we all need to check with ourselves and loved ones to ensure we are taking care of ourselves. This year has been hectic for multiple reasons and I think it is safe to assume that everyone, in one way or another, has felt it. What are you doing to take care of yourself!?]]

I have written, thought about, and rewritten my thoughts on this matter over and over. I have even thrown my hands in the air and nearly gave up. To be clear, I cannot adequately convey my feelings and thoughts on exactly what I have been through or what has transformed within my soul and I. I will say, however, that I am on the other side of the fence and it is lovely over here. There may be times where I walk along the fence, maybe touch the fence or even sit on the fence; but I am here, on this side and that is what matters. I believe in recovery and I am on my way there. Odds are you or someone you know lives with or has recovered from this disorder. Education yourself on the matter can help you learn how to care for, interact with and mindfully talk with those loved ones that are afflicted.

This term is often casually thrown around. It is often used to describe someone who keeps things neat and tidy or in order, though that is not even the tip of the iceberg for some people; for others that isn’t even a part of their disorder. One might think of Monica from Friends or mOnk when they hear the word OCD, though those characters do not show the severity of this disorder fully. OCD is tricky in the fact that it is heterogeneous, complex, and difficult to understand. Within OCD a person can have multiple subtypes, like me, and creates an onion-like effect.

Through healing, I discovered that Carl Jung was right: “what you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” He also had the idea of Shadow-Integrating, merging both light and darkness, allowing one to let go of pain and allow healing; no longer resisting. This has played a big part in my healing and recovery.

To say I’m grateful for this trial feels a bit stretched, but I am grateful for all that has come of it. I am so thankful for my husband being by my side, loving, supporting, and encouraging me through it all. He also had OCD, though his differs from mine, I’m thankful for a similar understanding, that I can help him and he can help me. And so, together, we build a life that we love which includes overcoming, learning, growing, and loving. Aka-kissing. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to kiss him. Yes, I totally went there!

I’m so grateful for my relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the spiritual experiences this has brought to me, that saved me, kept me going, and brought me closer to Them and my husband and kids. I’m thankful for those who are on the other side of the veil that has been here with me. I believe the atonement can work miracles in our lives. I believe Ether 12:27 “...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them…’ I believe in personal revelation. I choose to hear HIm and to trust Him. All things that have aided my healing and will continue to do so.

Dad's diagnostic letter to PCP

December 21, 2007

Kenneth Crump, MD

3200 N Canyon Rd Ste E

Provo, UT 84604

RE: John E. Simpson

Date of visit: July 10, 2007

Dear Dr. Crump,

I had the pleasure of seeing your patient Mr. Simpson per your consultation. As you know he is a 44-year-old male with a recent diagnosis of cerebral vasculitis. the history was reviewed with the patient and mother as well as reviewing his past records.

Mr. Simpson has a history of a primary brain tumor at age 13. He was treated with whole-brain radiation with excellent response. He suffered from his first seizure (generalized) at age 22 and was teat with antiepileptic medications. He reports having about one seizure every seven years until five years ago when we began to have them more frequently up to 3 times a month resulting in the need for additional medications. In addition, he developed episodes of "surges" an ill-described sensation in his head heralding seizures. He underwent multiple AED trials. Ultimately all these symptoms have been controlled with his current regimen.

His recent neurologic symptoms began in December of 2006 when his wife first noted to have the gradual worsening of dysarthria, short-term memory difficulty, and poor balance. He then developed new severe frequent migraine headaches with nausea ultimately leading to the use of narcotics to alleviate. He denies any history of abrupt neurological deficits but has complaints of numbness of his feet.

He underwent an extensive workup which included negative factor V Leiden, CRP 2.3, ESR 2, normal PT, PTT, normal antithrombin activity, negative lupus anticoagulant, normal protein C and S, negative ANA, ANCA, RF, Anticardiolipan IGG 6 and IgM 22. CN: pupils equal and reactive, face symmetric normal sensation, palate symmetric. Motor: normal, tone and strength throughout. Sensory: patchy decrease. DTR: 2/4.

Impressions: This is a 44-year-old male now 30 years sp whole-brain radiation who has now had 8 months history of progressive headache multifocal neurological symptoms and diffuse angiographic changes not responsive to high dose steroids. I believe he suffers from radiation-induced vasculopathy, although rare this condition usually onset great than 20 years after whole-brain radiation and is manifest by multifocal small vessel stroke, vascular headaches, and progressive dementia. The vasculopathy is notoriously non-responsive to steroids. Unfortunately, this condition is generally considered progressive and incurable. There has been some discussion in the literature regarding the use of ACE- inhibitors, and statins for membrane stabilization.

I recommend starting an SSRI for mood stabilization.

Elaine J. Skalabrin, MD

Associate Professor of Neurology

CC: Joseph Watkins, MD

Stroke Center director at U's Clinical Neurosciences Center and Associate Professor of Neurology at the U Medical School.

Eric's paper Strength of Attitude 2017

 Eric Autrey

Bess Hayes

ENG 2010

24 January 2017

Strength of Attitude

Have you ever found yourself resenting everything around you? Who hasn't? Maybe you are behind schedule, perhaps the weather is unbearable, or inexplicably, your tire falls off on the way to the beach. Suppose, to your horror, you discover that your child expressed their imagination all over the wall. Worse still, on your neighbor's car! Your patience is short and your temper shorter. You tell yourself, gloom is only natural; you would be happier if only you caught a break! That, until such a day, you reserve the right to be a curmudgeon. Have you ever found yourself resenting everything except you? If you’re being honest, and, if I'm being honest, No. Our perception of the world is more than what we think, it’s who we are. Borrowing from Albert Einstein, this is what I believe; “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”

Most people have experienced some adversity, I’m no different. As a child I was abused, both physically and sexually by the people I most needed; my parents. I wound up in the foster system and a couple years later I was gifted a fresh start with a new family! Sure, the psychological, emotional, and physical scars are still there, and no matter how long ago it was I can still feel them; but they don’t define me like I once thought they could. I refuse to succumb to their dark and lonely possibilities: weakness of attitude. I don’t believe that I am a survivor, even though I survived. I have overcome “the odds”, but I don’t believe that I am an overcomer. No, I would rather view my life through a different lense; I am an Optimist. It is because of this idealism that I choose to have a strong attitude in life. I simply want to be of the highest character that I can, and that's how I want to be defined.

This cornerstone of my beliefs was not ingrained into me from childhood, nor was it a wonder of genetics. I sought it out the way someone might seek truth in religion; I read, I prayed, but most of all I pondered through it. Under the guise of motivating a team of salesmen I stumbled across Mr Einstein’s simple phrase. I don’t know if it helped the others that summer, but it has sure helped me to do more than just survive, I am thriving. 

I hope that no one else has to experience the fright of driving on three tires in the California mountains like I did, or even the gut wrenching feel of writing out a check for a neighbors new paint job, like I did. I pray that every child who is abused can get revenge on their abusers, in the form of growing beyond that experience and leading a normal life. Through the myriad of ups and down that I have experienced, I learned more than any event, this simple truth defines who I really am; my strength of attitude becomes my strength of character.

John Earl Simpson April 18, 2021

This experience is more complex than just losing a close loved one, losing a father, my oldest friend. This experience was not safe, it was not filled with peace, comfort, or love. There was a lot of hurt, violation of trust and vulnerability, betrayal, and harsh consequences. I am not ready to reminisce on this incident for the deep, big feels that surface when I think, speak, or feel it. I hope one day, I can share this story, but until then these pictures are all I can do and even this is hard. I have chosen to leave some pictures out to prevent triggers.

Note: my ring versus Lacee's ring

Floor 4, ICU, Room 418

The central white part is the hemorrhage 

The only thing keeping him alive

His head was REALLY hot, like a really bad fever.

His hand would sit and twitch, not an indication he was there and responding

Lacee holding his hand

Why did I take a picture of his feet?

Nice RT

Is this really happening? Is this really my Dad?

She was a saving grace, one of my angles that night

Holding my Dad's hand

Trying to hold it together with bloodshot eyes

His view

2 other angels saved me that night. My Dad's older brother Mark and younger brother Kevin

Mark Simpson

Kevin Simpson

My brother, Tyler, gave my Dad one last blessing and released him from this life

Tedra, Mark, Tyler, I'm sitting in the chair (a story for another time), Lacee next to me, Sandra and Kevin in front of her.

Life support was just removed, the waiting begins

Lots of choking, gasping and 'crashing' stats. He held on for 3-4 hours before officially letting go. Lacee & I lasted the first 45 minutes. (There are personal reasons we did not stay.)

My final goodbye in this life.

Beautiful flowers sent by the Baileys.

I love the raw emotion this picture tells. So grateful for the opportunity I had to dress my Dad for his 'big day'. I'm also grateful I was the last one to be with him here, at this time, at this moment. I may have backed away to the door, facing him the whole time and not losing sight of him, knowing what that meant the moment I closed the door behind me. I maybe have opened the door, walked out, and ran back to him just to hug him one last time, to tell him I loved him one last time, and all by myself. I know his spirit wasn't residing within this vessel that I recognize to be my father, but his spirit was there in the room. Such a tender experience to have and the unity I felt with my brother Tyler, my sister Lacee, and my two uncles Mark and Kevin. 

The kids seeing their Papa John for the last time.

Beautiful spray my Dad's siblings bought for his kids. The ribbon says "Father".

Eric being a pallbearer 

Ryken (Lacee), Tyler, Eric, Kevin, Mark, Danny (Aunt Jill)

My sweetie choked up

There are other photos from these events that Eric or my friends took, they are not uploaded because they are not a part of my google photo cloud.

In Loving Memory:

napping with Lacee

Our trip to Disney Land, yes, I remember some of this trip even at the age of 2

I remember this Christmas with him, in the moment even.

Lacee was just born

Deer hunt when I was 4. This was the trip the deer hunt song came about

Camping Payson canyon with Uncle Kevin and his family

My biological grandfather Jesse's funeral, Provo cemetery. Also pictured is Aunt Nona and Jesse's wife, Gail.

He needed to get away from home and the chaos and stress that was there. He came to my house for a day. Chloe enjoyed all the attention he gave her googling over her baby book.

My first time meeting my biological grandfather, Jesse. Dad was great to arrange this meet up for me.

Visiting Grandma Vivan Simpson's grave in American Fork cemetary.

December 28?, 2019 hospital stay

Jay's baseball team was nominated to be announced during an Owlz game, they got to run out on the field and be paired with a player for the national anthem. Fun experience for him! Dad brought his wife and 2 of her grandchildren.

Lakeview Elementary annual Family Night Picnic in the Park

Happy birthday, Dad! 2018?

Another hospital stay 2016- maybe?

My handsome Dad's wedding

We had season tickets and we got extra seats given to us by a co-worker. You could say it was a double date, but not really where we didn't sit by each other and this picture is all the contact we really had

Lacee's wedding

Easter celebration

Engagements with Sandra at the Cherry Hill Farm on Geneva Road in Orem

Mom and siblings went to St. George (or Idaho) I stayed behind for a school dance and Dad and I went camping in Diamond Fork.

Deer hunt, I was 4 years old

My Dad being my birthday party clown for my 5th birthday (I believe)

the incision on his forehead is from a chunk of skin cancer removed, right before Tyler's baptism

4th of July by Granite High School, Great-Grandma Ingeldew's

They had the best show across the road at the school's field

Salem Pond, Simpson family pictures

Lacee's wedding

BIRTHDAY PRESENETS IN THE HOSPITAL 2014

in the hospital on his BIRTHDAY! 2014

Santaquin Rodeo

Eric wrote my Dad a letter to be read at the hospital when I went to say goodbye to him. Eric also read this at the graveside service, the day we buried my sweet dad. It reads:

What a horribly ironic tie for me to write a "Dear John" letter for you. Well, here you go...

Dear John,

Or rather, Dear Dad, I don't want you to feel bad or anything, but your timing is a terrible old man. It's a pandemic, the kids are starting up sports and the Jazz are pretty dang good this year. I bet you'll be there for each of the kids' games and maybe even some of the Jazz ones too. I guess there's not really a good time to say "bye" though. 

I know that if you could you tell us all to buck up and stop moping over you, even though we all know that you love the socializing and especially the extra attention, haha. I see you :) 

I don't care what anyone says about you, you are a good man. Even accounting for your flaws, I'd bet that you're a better man than me by a long mile.

You are more than just an 'in-law' for me, no, you are truly a father figure that I look up to (even despite your shorter stature *wink*).

Thank you for raising and loving and cherishing and spoiling the girl I grew up to marry. And thank you for being the worthy priesthood holder and charitable sone of God that you have been. Thank you for way more than I can possibly list here. You did good, John.

I know that you are probably already hard at work in the spirit world, but if you get a break, feel free to pop in from time to time. We can always use the love and comfort. Just be prepared to be embarrassed by how much Brit and I actually smooch!

Anyways, I guess now is as good a time as ever, so- goodbye. I am gonna miss you, Dad. I'm looking forward to the union one day. Take care, old man! :)

Love xoxox- your son, Eric