OCD and anxiety have been particularly high these last 6 months since my Dad passed away. I guess that is as good of a reason as any. The last month and a half have been particularly hard with obsessions of not feeling good, not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to socialize, etc. My last entry went over the hard week I had last week starting off with a major panic attack followed by not following through on a ritual, which was Monday. The following days I struggled to let go of feeling anxious because my OCD was telling me that because I didn’t complete the ritual the anxiety wasn’t over, that at any moment it could strike and I would have the opportunity to complete the ritual. I didn’t! I even felt pretty good Thursday night! But this entry isn’t so much about that, it’s about something bigger, broader, and deeper.
I’ve been on medication since the beginning of September. The last couple of weeks I have seriously considered getting off of them and using medical marijuana for help. This is actually something I have consistently thought of since my dad’s passing. I thought the medication would really help with stabilizing my ups and downs, take the edge off so I could focus on processing and healing. That hasn’t quite been the case. Eric and I have noticed that when I’m on medication (knowing from past experiences) my baseline improves, but my ups are a little more up and my downs tend to be really, really low. I have more frequent OCD and anxiety episodes, too. So I have been praying in my heart to know what to do about that.
Speaking of praying, since my Dad passed it has been more difficult for me to feel connected to God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Before his passing I was feeling the spirit regularly, I was experiencing spiritual experiences more frequently. After he passed it just felt like the door to heaven closed. I was really hard on myself, then I heard the Spirit whisper more than once that God wants me to be patient. I learned that heartache, mental illness, turmoil can make it harder to discern the Spirit. I’ve had experiences in which I found that the Spirit has been with me, the static within myself is so great that I struggle to acknowledge its presence. The most common way that I have had the Spirit speak to me these last 6 months is through my dreams. How do I know it’s a prompting and revelation versus just a dream? The feelings, the feeling that is present when I wake up and remember it. That is how I tell the difference.
I remember one day, when I had the MRI on my right knee, I was in a deep meditative state of mind. My dad was looking through the tube at the end. I felt a warm sensation come over my leg and the whispering of “your leg is going to be just fine”. I didn’t quite pick up on that during my scan, it wasn’t until I was asleep that night that the Spirit told me that it had been my companion. I rewatched the experience in the MRI room in my dream, similar to the Christmas 3 ghost story. The Spirit narrated the dream about how the Spirit had been with me, is with me and that God hasn’t left me. That the door is not shut between heaven and me. Knowing all of this didn’t make it so I instantly felt the Spirit’s companionship, in fact the Spirit continues to tell me to be patient. Patient in feeling Him and patient in feeling my Dad. However, having these experiences haven’t made it easier to pray, study my scriptures or Come Follow Me. It’s been a weird experience. I used to feel guilty and ashamed, but I realized that God knows my heart. That the prayers I have in my heart are still heard and loved by Him. That he answers those prayers, I don’t have to mutter them aloud in order for them to have worth, value or to be felt and heard. With all this being said, I also have more faith that God will help me heal from the wounds that plague me from the turmoil and heartache this year has brought me. Specifically, healing from the Sabins.
My mom has been great these last few months. I think having read “Brain Lock”, Dad passing away, and her own personal struggles with her marriage and leaving her (3rd) current husband had worn her down and humbled her some. She has treated me with more love and compassion, she has presented herself more motherly and endearing. I was hopeful that she was turning over a new leaf, that she was becoming a better version of herself. I embraced this new behavior with a warm smile and open arms, bringing her more and more into my life. Then it happened (again). My anxiety and OCD started to climb. Was it her fault? No, there are a lot of variables and factors that play into the month and a half I’ve had. But, as they say “history repeats itself” and history concerning my mom is like clock work. Last week Eric was talking to me about the major struggling time I’ve been going through. He pointed out the more consistent communication I’ve had with my mom. He reminded me of the cycle and the history of this cycle that I put myself in. He urged me to be mindful and to make wise decisions concerning my interactions and frequency with my mother. Later that weekend I received a phone call from my brother, Tyler.
Tyler wanted to have some clarification, light shed on Dad and the memories and beliefs Tyler had of him. Tyler was heartbroken to find out that he had been lied to and manipulated, to believe horrible lies about our Dad. One was that Dad didn’t care about us kids and chose not to come to see us. In reality, Mom would call the cops when he’d try to come to the house. Dad didn’t always like coming over because of the way he was treated by my Mom. That wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg that Tyler was curious about. Aside from wanting to know more truth and express his true regrets and sorrow filled feelings, he felt inspired to share with me what my Mom has been up to. I’ve known from the beginning that my Mom has never liked Tyler’s wife, Tedra. That is plain and obvious. However, the poor treatment that my nephew Quentin received from her recently including wanting to put his cereal in the cat dish for Quentin to feed himself was a bit low, and the fact she lied about ordering an alcoholic beverage-allowing Kailee to have some and offering some to Quentin who is one year old, even if it was a joke, is outrageous. He told me of the continuation of behaviors of years past that is still happening today. He shared this intel with me not to cause problems between Mom and me, but to warn me, to keep his nephews and niece safe.
I appreciate Tyler following the prompting to share these sad and heartbreaking things with me. I appreciate his love for his niece and nephews being greater than heartache and tension itself. I feel used by my Mom, being there for her these last few months. Attending her pity parties, loving, sympathizing, supporting, and even taking on some of the responsibility to love and care for her, lifting some of her burdens, opening the door to my life a little bit more for her. She puts on a front for me, I can only assume that it’s to allow her in my life and in my children's life. She knows that her behavior determines our relationship. Years ago I cut all ties with her. Maybe she fears that I will do it again. I will say right now that it won’t happen, but my relationship with her will remain distant. Let me explain.
Last week I received a message from the Ward Secretary asking if I would meet with our new bishop. Of course, I was concerned he’d be extending a calling to me, something I didn’t feel capable of doing in my current state. I figured it was that or asking me about him paying most of my therapy session costs. Turns out he only wanted to get to know me, he knows Eric and wanted to see how I have been doing. He noticed I was in therapy as he signed his approval for the Church to pay for my sessions. I know without a doubt that the man in that room was receiving direct revelation as we spoke. I know this because he could not have known what I was going through, the prayers I’ve had in my heart, my standpoint, my opinions on certain matters. Here is what our meeting went over for the hour I was in his office:
First, my mom-distance-letting go
Second, medication-mental health-feeling the spirit
Third, attending the temple-use this as part of my therapy regimen
Four, extreme empathy
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