It’s been 5 months and 6 days since your passing. Since then, my grief for you hasn’t lessened a bit. I have spoken to you a handful of times since then, though it was always outspoken. I’m writing this one for my emotional benefit, as my therapist has encouraged. Maybe this way I can get deeper feelings out, maybe focus my thoughts a little bit more so this session is more therapeutic. Normally when I talk with you, my emotions get so big and swollen that they suffocate me, I lose track of what I’m supposed to be doing and why I’m doing it. Instead, I shut down from the lack of air and begin an OCD trip. Here’s to trying something different. Here’s to better expression. Here’s to healing.
It’s hard losing a loved one. I would say losing a loved one is even harder when you have a stepfamily that treats you very poorly. I don’t even like referring to them as step-family. They are the Sabins. As it should be. Family actually means something to me and they don’t deserve any title of Family. I know I shouldn’t, but I blame you for their poor behavior. I blame you for my broken heart. You are the one that chose not to reunite with your wife of 20+ years. We had a solid, truthful, raw conversation just months before you died as to why you chose to divorce her. You have very good reasoning regarding your choice and I prop you for choosing for yourself for once in your life. Though, you sought out an older woman who not only behaved and did things that you purposely left your wife for, but was even more of a problem. You are the one that brought her into your life, you brought her family into your life. You brought them into my life. You asked me to open my heart and accept them as family just as you did. You asked me to open my door to my family for you, for them. I took a chance on them. I opened my heart and my door to let them in because I love and trust you. I trusted you with my heart, my family, and our safety.
In the beginning, I tried desperately hard to keep them and you close as families are. I feared being replaced. I feared rejection. I feared a broken family. With their redneck, white-trash ways, their drama, their gossip, their vengeful and grudging ways, I chose to look the other way to keep the peace. I feared being on their bad side for what consequences and treatment they would so willingly and kindly serve me. So, I involved them, invited them, encouraged them, supported them, and loved them. I did all that, despite how I felt inside, for you. For your happiness. For us, yours and my relationship. And this is how I am repaid? This is my reward? This is what I get for sacrificing? For sleepless nights, expending so much stress on your behalf? After a couple of years of being mistreated and manipulated by the Sabins, I started to distance myself from Sandra’s children. I couldn’t deal with the drama and idiocy of them. Sandra still faked her way for a couple more years to come. I thought she truly loved and cared for me. I opened up, confided in her, I was vulnerable with her about very personal struggles I was going through, including the hardship with my own mother. I knew she had a side to her that her children inherited, but I never thought she would turn on me the way she has. The hardest part is knowing that you knew exactly who they were and what they were/are capable of. Not just as a bystander, but as the victim yourself. Yet, you did nothing.
Dad, I know that you were sick in your mortal body and could only understand and do so much here. Your disease definitely gave you limitations, but you still had agency. You still knew right from wrong. You still had a voice. You still had a choice. Though you said nothing. You chose nothing. You did nothing. As a result, you suffered greatly, I suffered greatly. You were a victim, I am a victim. You came to an end in your life, free of suffering from not only your disease and limitations but from the Sabins, from being their victim. As for me, I am not so lucky. Every day I live with the pain and hurt they caused me all those months ago. Compiled with all the annoyance and pain they’ve cause the last 7 years. Why? Because they continue to choose their ways and I haven’t figured out how to let go of the pain and suffering they caused. I feel trapped, under their spell. I feel like Cinderella in the fact of having an evil stepmother and step-siblings who treat me horribly. The only difference is the Sabins try to do so with smiles on their face as if I was blinded to their ways as if they truly care for me. At least the fairy tale characters actually own up to their ways. Major eye roll inserted here. Amateur manipulators right there.
These last few months have been just that, months. Yet each month feels like a year. Enduring all the time and seasons of a year compacted into a month’s worth of time. It makes me wonder if life will always feel like this. If I will ever overcome this trial. If I am destined to this misery forever as some form of punishment.
This whole traumatic experience, losing you, how they treated me, and the ramifications thereof cut me deep. Leaving my soul bleeding from the core. Hemrrohging uncontrollably. The pain, the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal, the suffering, the obsessive thoughts, the obsessive feelings, it all comes spewing out from the deep within. Something I feel, think, and experience every.single.day. This. What you left me with. How you left me with this is.not.fair. How could you do this to me? After everything I’ve done for you...
All my energy every day is spent playing defense against these oozing, pulsing feelings from within the depths of my core. I’m left in survival mode, doing the bare minimum of responsibilities and expectations simply because I am tired. No, I am exhausted and worn down. I deserve better. My family deserves better. You. You brought this upon me, upon my family and you aren’t even here to express my anger towards you. You aren’t here to listen. You aren’t even here to fix this, to stand by me. You’re not here to do what you should have done when you had the chance, to say what you needed to, to chose what you needed to and to stand up for me. You aren’t even here to express your love, sorrow and to apologize for what you’ve brought upon me, the agony I’m living.
I know that you were incapable of doing anything more than you did in your life time, especially there at the end, but it doesn’t eleviate anything and it certainly doesn’t make what you did or didn’t do okay. Though I’m grateful for what has come from this knowledge.
I have only visit your grave in Salem once. It only happened because your sweet son-in-law tricked/surprised me for a date night. I’m grateful your headstone wasn’t there. From what I hear, ALL of you “children” will be on it. Including your step-kids taking precedence. That disgusts me. I hate that I have to share you with people like them. I’ve had you for 30 years, they’ve had you for 7. They don’t deserve all they have. I know that night in the cemetery I said some really raw and hurtful things. I want you to know that I still feel those intensely, but I have also allowed love to creep into my heart. I’m happy that your burial plot in Provo has the headstone you and Mom ordered. If I feel the need to ‘see’ you, I go there. That is the safe place. A place I don’t have to share you or the space with the Sabins. I was really upset about you not being buried in Provo, but now that I’ve come to this realization, I’m actually happy about it. I hate having to share anything with the Sabins. I know this plot won’t always be empty-holding your place for me. I know the headstone won’t always be there either, as sad as that is, I’m happy I have it while it lasts. Please visit me there when I come to visit.
I know that you love me. I know that I am your amazing beautiful daughter, as you would say or introduce me to your friends. I know that I have a special place in your heart. I know that you wouldn’t want me to suffer or hurt. I know that you care for me. Where you didn’t do anything for my suffering I do question your love for me from time to time. I know I shouldn’t listen to the small voice inside my head that tells me that the Sabins are right, that you love and cared for them more, but your ations kind of validate that. That they did replace me. That they are the daughters you wish you had while I’m the scum of the earth. That all my love and efforts weren’t worth 2 cents. I know that it isn’t true, though I whole-heartedly wish you could come and confirm my heart. Some family members have had spiritual experiences with you since that day in the hospital, though I haven’t much. I wonder if you visit the Sabins more, and if so, why? I feel so alone, isolated and outcasted by you. Do I deserve this, too? After all the love and support I’ve given you the last 15 years, when no-one else was there for you?
You have broken my heart.
I looked up to you.
I love you.
I wrote this poem weeks after your death. Both physical and emotional pain blended together came out in this form:
They say it is hard losing a loved one.
I can confirm that it is true.
My dad’s love was always there that never, ever withdrew.
Now that he’s no longer more,
I shed tears because
This has shaken me to my core.
I hate the mess he left behind
All sticky and unfair
I must walk away and resign
Does he even care?
Can he see the suffering his actions have brought on
All I want is peace and love
And safety to grieve you, John
Instead, there’s a bad taste in my mouth
That toothpaste and mouthwash can’t fix.
Sunlight falls heavy
I hear voices crying out
I’m feeling more and more unsteady
I stumble in the dark,
Always tripping over the false heart
Dire for the still and silence
Anything to keep them quiet
I get down on my knees for guidance
I ponder the times I felt His grace
The peace, the love, the calm
Though it won't make things erase
It can heal this wounded heart
And no more fall apart.
I have had mountains in my past
Some of them I never thought
The hard climb I could ever do
Including this one that I face
But I can with help of His great grace and you.
I need you Dad. I need your love. I can’t get through this alone. I’ve ran and ran from all of this for so long and it’s taken quite the toll on me. I can’t suffer through the silence anymore. There will be other letters to come. A sweet friend of mine suggested writing a lot and creating a book. Filled with the good and the ugly. An expression of my soul through this transforming time in my life. I can assure you, despite the main emotion in this letter, the truth is I do love you. Unconditionally love you. I miss you. I’m happy you’re at peace and at one with yourself. Thank you for giving me life and loving me throughout it. I will get through this, I will overcome this. Time and love heals everything.
Until next time,
Love your daughter,
Binnee Mawee-Mawee
September 27th, 2021
Dad, I went to therapy today and feel the need to express what I uncovered in that session. Knowing what was said in the last letter probably gives you a hint on how this letter will go. Please know that I love you, but what I have been going through, carrying, for a number of years dating back to childhood has been too much for a child to bear. Throughout these years I have stood my ground right next to you. I have defended you, your name, and now your memory. I have always been in your corner, cheering you on, pampering you when you got tired or got a beating. I have carried you when you needed it. I lifted you when you were down. I have painted a beautiful picture of who you are and always painted you in the best light no matter the circumstances.
I idolized you since I was a little girl. I thought you were the bravest, the toughest, the strongest, the smartest, the nicest, the bestest, the greatest, the macho invincible dad that could do no wrong that I saw and loved. Remember that song by Joe Nichols ‘The Impossible’? The beginning of that song is the way that I looked at you:
My dad chased monsters from the dark
He checked underneath my bed
And he could lift me with one arm
Way up over top his head
He could loosen rusty bolts
With a quick turn of his wrench
He pulled splinters from his hand
And never even flinched
Throughtout the years there were circumstances that showed your weaknesses. During that time I justified, made excuses for you, and looked the other way. I wanted my childhood hero to be presented, I justified and excused for your ease, your comfort, your pride, for your name, and for your legacy. I justified and excused to show that my choices were right. And losing you has given me some clarity and I now relate to the next part of the song:
In 13 years, I'd never seen him cry
But the day that Grandpa died, I realized
Unsinkable ships - sink
Unbreakable walls - break
Sometimes the things you think will never happen
Happen just like that
Unbendable steel - bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible
You weren’t this knight in shining armour that I once believed. You were a man. Full of mistakes, weaknesses, insecurities and a big heart. A big heart full of desire to please those around him but himself. A vein man that took pride in his reputation. I can see that now.
I have pointed 4 fingers at the Sabins’ for all the hurt and pain I’ve been through these last 5 months, only one finger pointed at you. It was easy to see their faults and blame them for your suffering and my suffering. Blaming them for all that has happened and blamed you for bringing them into my life. I have been feeling this anger towards them so intensely. Regardless of how much I process, why can’t I simply get relief from that anger? I gave myself this answer in therapy today. The Sabins’ aren’t the full reason I am angry. I wasn’t placing a good chunk of the anger where it belongs. Not on purpose, but simply because I was blinded to it. I was blinded until I started to reveil my true feelings about you.
You were not a wounded animal. I made and continue to make excuses for you.
This is the weight that I have carried because you yourself chose not to bear it. This letter is giving back EVERYTHING that you gave me, all the burdens, choices, expectations, everything that YOU need to take ownership of, that you need to be responsible for, all that you created, all that you made me carry for your own comfort and benefit. I have taken this burden that you so willingly bestowed upon me.
September 30, 2021
I was showering this morning when the song “God Be With You ‘Til We Meet Again” came on by the Tabernacle Choir. I instantly thought of you as that song tends to be the closing hymn for many funerals. I know this wasn’t played at your funeral, instead, it was that annoying song called “Daddy’s Hands”. It got me thinking about the Sabins and all the ‘done me wrongs’ that occurred.
My heart is broken they treated me so poorly in such a difficult time. It’s sad they have such personal issues that they feel the need to be selfish and controlling, excluding and fake. I hope one day they get what is coming to them and when that happens I hope that it changes them for the better. Whether that be from healing, more understanding, whatever it might be. I hope they become better people. I hope they feel remorse for the hurt they have caused. I want to be more empathetic towards them, I want to be Christ-like and simply forgive and move on from them, but I’m here feeling these feelings. Intensely. I am trying to understand that this is okay, these feelings are natural and perfectly normal for this time in my life.
Recently, I have thought about other hard relationships I’ve had in the past that caused a lot of suffering on my end. It was really hard to work through those times, especially with OCD raging like it does. However, all of those relationships and situations have blown over and I’m at peace. That doesn’t mean I am okay with what happened, or that I would want to pursue anything further with those people. It just means that there is hope for me to become apathetic to the Sabins actions, pain, and hurt. That these feelings won’t eat me alive the rest of my life. Time is on my side and I’ll just need a lot of that.
All this being said, I must inform you that I will never bring them back into my life. I will never be a part of their life in any capacity. I need you to understand exactly why and I need your love and support on this decision. I know you had your struggles with them, I’m sure you know all about my struggles with them. I would think this would bring you understanding and acceptance.
Let me just give you a sneak peak about what I go through when I think about the Sabins in a healthy way, meaning I follow a skill sheet from therapy. If I do not follow the skills I can be stuck in a very negative and depressed state. Here it is:
Briefly describe the situation leading to my emotion: Feeling unwanted, excluded, and unheard surrounding your passing and funeral.
Not being involved
Not being there with you at the hospital- Melissa was there instead
Not being informed when I could come see you, that other people got the call first
The feeling of not being wanted there-It felt like they were obligated to involve me
Being told her daughters wanted to be there when you were taken off life support
The anxiety standing up for what my siblings and I wanted-to be there when you were taken off life support
Sandra treating your situation lightly
Sandra questioning my request with a tone
Not having any alone time with you
Not being treated equally in comparison to her daughters
Not being able to have Eric there
Not having my voice heard
Not getting love and support from them
Not truly being involved with decisions
Being written off
The emotion name: Distress
Observe my emotion. Step back from the emotion and describe the experiences (thoughts, urges, body sensations, and what body parts are involved).
This is unfair
Why is this happening to me
Where is the love
They are horrible, terrible people
I want them to pay for my pain and suffering
I want nothing to do with them
I want to be apathetic towards them
I am not being heard
I am not wanted
Questioning my worth and value
Wondering if people are/did/do believe the gossip about me
Does my Dad truly love me
I am better than the Sabins
How could they do this to me
What do the Sabins think of me
Why do they hate me
Have things my way
Hurt them the way they hurt me
Exclude them the way they’ve excluded me
Run
Hide
Fight
Egg Sandra’s house and car
Break-in and steal my dad’s things
Cry
Throw up
Crawl in a hole and die
Never to be reminded of them by anything
My lower gut gets heavy
My diaphragm gets floppy
My stomach gets nauseous
I get unsettling energy racing through my heart and limbs
My heart races
My brain overheats
I get shaky
My heart breaks
My face frowns and gets heavy
I lose energy and motivation
I become fatigued
I am restless
My hands get clammy
I stare off into space
My chest gets tight
I have the urge to dispel my colon
Identify and describe any parts of the experience that come and go like a wave (thoughts, body sensations, urges), and describe your efforts to let them come and go without trying to push away or cling to these experiences.
The thoughts about what they did to me
Could it be another way?
Being in the hospital with you
The funeral
Their gossip about me
Why couldn’t you be a better dad
Why did you have to bring them into my life
They robbed me of a safe sacred experience
How could they do this
Why did they do this
My stomach gets nauseous
Shutting down
Obsessions
Self hate for letting this affect me
Self blame
Fatigue
The 4 steps for OCD
I’m so grateful to not have to live through that experience, it is done and over with
I don’t have to face that family ever again
Of course their actions caused a lot of pain and that it’s okay that I am not okay
Accepting my pain and hatred towards them in the moment, I’m not a bad person for feeling these things
Love me for being alive and doing hard things
Affirmations, I am enough, I am strong, I am brave, I am loved, I am capable, I am beautiful, I am thoughtful, I am loving, I am powerful, I am a daughter of God, I am enough.
Not putting myself in places or situations where I could run into them or be reminded of them where they could cause me more pain
Remembering my memories and my truth about me and my dad
Their opinion of me is none of my business
Accepting that I am angry at them, at you
Realizing that I am not to blame for what happened
I am so grateful this is all in the past
Explain how you are not your emotion and how you can have an emotional urge without acting on it:
I am not my emotions
I am a daughter of God who loves, has light, is compassionate, loyal, is loved, I am a good person
This emotion does not define me
I am human with human capabilities
I can feel like acting on compulsions and rituals but I don’t have to follow through
I can feel like running, hiding, shutting down, but I can see the present moment and find happiness within it-especially being around my family
I can feel angry at the Sabins without putting all my energy and focus into that
How long did it take for my worry about this emotion to go down:
30+ minutes
Describe parts of my emotional reaction that I am open to accepting:
I accept that I am angry at you
I accept that I am angry with them
I accept that it will take me time to heal
I accept that I am not perfect (to make this trial go away)
I am working on accepting this new reality
Rate how much I was suffering from this emotion before and after practicing this skill:
80 in the beginning of this letter
20 at the end of this letter
You can see, Dad, that my suffering and pain is not light and shouldn’t be treated as such. I just want you to truly understand what I am going through. I want your love. I want your encouragement. I want your support. I want your acceptance. I want your approval. I want you to be on my side. I want you to choose me. I want you to have empathy for me. I hope this letter can bring these things to pass.
I love you. I miss you. I need you.
Love, Me
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