10.25.2021 Bishop Meeting

 OCD and anxiety have been particularly high these last 6 months since my Dad passed away. I guess that is as good of a reason as any. The last month and a half have been particularly hard with obsessions of not feeling good, not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to socialize, etc. My last entry went over the hard week I had last week starting off with a major panic attack followed by not following through on a ritual, which was Monday. The following days I struggled to let go of feeling anxious because my OCD was telling me that because I didn’t complete the ritual the anxiety wasn’t over, that at any moment it could strike and I would have the opportunity to complete the ritual. I didn’t! I even felt pretty good Thursday night! But this entry isn’t so much about that, it’s about something bigger, broader, and deeper.

I’ve been on medication since the beginning of September. The last couple of weeks I have seriously considered getting off of them and using medical marijuana for help. This is actually something I have consistently thought of since my dad’s passing. I thought the medication would really help with stabilizing my ups and downs, take the edge off so I could focus on processing and healing. That hasn’t quite been the case. Eric and I have noticed that when I’m on medication (knowing from past experiences) my baseline improves, but my ups are a little more up and my downs tend to be really, really low. I have more frequent OCD and anxiety episodes, too. So I have been praying in my heart to know what to do about that.

Speaking of praying, since my Dad passed it has been more difficult for me to feel connected to God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Before his passing I was feeling the spirit regularly, I was experiencing spiritual experiences more frequently. After he passed it just felt like the door to heaven closed. I was really hard on myself, then I heard the Spirit whisper more than once that God wants me to be patient. I learned that heartache, mental illness, turmoil can make it harder to discern the Spirit. I’ve had experiences in which I found that the Spirit has been with me, the static within myself is so great that I struggle to acknowledge its presence. The most common way that I have had the Spirit speak to me these last 6 months is through my dreams. How do I know it’s a prompting and revelation versus just a dream? The feelings, the feeling that is present when I wake up and remember it. That is how I tell the difference.

 

I remember one day, when I had the MRI on my right knee, I was in a deep meditative state of mind. My dad was looking through the tube at the end. I felt a warm sensation come over my leg and the whispering of “your leg is going to be just fine”. I didn’t quite pick up on that during my scan, it wasn’t until I was asleep that night that the Spirit told me that it had been my companion. I rewatched the experience in the MRI room in my dream, similar to the Christmas 3 ghost story. The Spirit narrated the dream about how the Spirit had been with me, is with me and that God hasn’t left me. That the door is not shut between heaven and me. Knowing all of this didn’t make it so I instantly felt the Spirit’s companionship, in fact the Spirit continues to tell me to be patient. Patient in feeling Him and patient in feeling my Dad. However, having these experiences haven’t made it easier to pray, study my scriptures or Come Follow Me. It’s been a weird experience. I used to feel guilty and ashamed, but I realized that God knows my heart. That the prayers I have in my heart are still heard and loved by Him. That he answers those prayers, I don’t have to mutter them aloud in order for them to have worth, value or to be felt and heard. With all this being said, I also have more faith that God will help me heal from the wounds that plague me from the turmoil and heartache this year has brought me. Specifically, healing from the Sabins. 

My mom has been great these last few months. I think having read “Brain Lock”, Dad passing away, and her own personal struggles with her marriage and leaving her  (3rd) current husband had worn her down and humbled her some. She has treated me with more love and compassion, she has presented herself more motherly and endearing. I was hopeful that she was turning over a new leaf, that she was becoming a better version of herself. I embraced this new behavior with a warm smile and open arms, bringing her more and more into my life. Then it happened (again). My anxiety and OCD started to climb. Was it her fault? No, there are a lot of variables and factors that play into the month and  a half I’ve had. But, as they say “history repeats itself” and history concerning my mom is like clock work. Last week Eric was talking to me about the major struggling time I’ve been going through. He pointed out the more consistent communication I’ve had with my mom. He reminded me of the cycle and the history of this cycle that I put myself in. He urged me to be mindful and to make wise decisions concerning my interactions and frequency with my mother. Later that weekend I received a phone call from my brother, Tyler. 

Tyler wanted to have some clarification, light shed on Dad and the memories and beliefs Tyler had of him. Tyler was heartbroken to find out that he had been lied to and manipulated, to believe horrible lies about our Dad. One was that Dad didn’t care about us kids and chose not to come to see us. In reality, Mom would call the cops when he’d try to come to the house. Dad didn’t always like coming over because of the way he was treated by my Mom. That wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg that Tyler was curious about. Aside from wanting to know more truth and express his true regrets and sorrow filled feelings, he felt inspired to share with me what my Mom has been up to. I’ve known from the beginning that my Mom has never liked Tyler’s wife, Tedra. That is plain and obvious. However, the poor treatment that my nephew Quentin received from her recently including wanting to put his cereal in the cat dish for Quentin to feed himself was a bit low, and the fact she lied about ordering an alcoholic beverage-allowing Kailee to have some and offering some to Quentin who is one year old, even if it was a joke, is outrageous. He told me of the continuation of behaviors of years past that is still happening today. He shared this intel with me not to cause problems between Mom and me, but to warn me, to keep his nephews and niece safe.

I appreciate Tyler following the prompting to share these sad and heartbreaking things with me. I appreciate his love for his niece and nephews being greater than heartache and tension itself. I feel used by my Mom, being there for her these last few months. Attending her pity parties, loving, sympathizing, supporting, and even taking on some of the responsibility to love and care for her, lifting some of her burdens, opening the door to my life a little bit more for her. She puts on a front for me, I can only assume that it’s to allow her in my life and in my children's life. She knows that her behavior determines our relationship. Years ago I cut all ties with her. Maybe she fears that I will do it again. I will say right now that it won’t happen, but my relationship with her will remain distant. Let me explain.

Last week I received a message from the Ward Secretary asking if I would meet with our new bishop. Of course, I was concerned he’d be extending a calling to me, something I didn’t feel capable of doing in my current state. I figured it was that or asking me about him paying most of my therapy session costs. Turns out he only wanted to get to know me, he knows Eric and wanted to see how I have been doing. He noticed I was in therapy as he signed his approval for the Church to pay for my sessions. I know without a doubt that the man in that room was receiving direct revelation as we spoke. I know this because he could not have known what I was going through, the prayers I’ve had in my heart, my standpoint, my opinions on certain matters. Here is what our meeting went over for the hour I was in his office:

First, my mom-distance-letting go

Second, medication-mental health-feeling the spirit

Third, attending the temple-use this as part of my therapy regimen

Four, extreme empathy

10.19.21

 I’ve known I’ve had OCD for one year now, though I’ve been working with treatment for over two years (there is a very important reason as to why I did not know my diagnosis starting treatment). I work hard ALL day EVERY day addressing this mental illness and the ramifications it has. 

I have had extreme OCD episodes in the last 5 months. It started with Chloe getting bitten on the face by the dog. A week later Eric relayed the information to me that my Dad was in the hospital due to a hemorrhagic stroke. The next day my Dad passed away, then came a great amount of disrespect, betrayal, and hurt I received from ‘family’ in regards to my Dad’s passing. Since then I’ve lost 5 other people I admire and love. All this on top of regular life stress, mini-crisis, ups and downs, you know, life. These episodes can last days, weeks, and even months. It can leave me so exhausted.

For starters: “We all have our little quirks-habits and behaviors-that we know we’d be better off without. We all wish we had more self-control. But when thoughts spin out of control, becoming so intense and intrusive that they take over against our will, when habits turn into all-consuming rituals that are performed to rid us of overwhelming feelings of fear and dread, something more serious is happening.” This is where obsession plays its part. “Obsessions are intrusive, unwelcome, distressing thoughts and mental images. Unlike other unpleasant thoughts, they do not fade away but keep intruding your mind over and over against your will.” Obsessions are not to be mistaken for rumination-something not inappropriate, something quite normal and or even pleasant. An example would be thinking about an upcoming test, or how attractive you are to someone, or a conversation you recently had. Everyone does rumination sometimes. The difference is the content and process. These obsessions lead to an urge or in other words a compulsion, an act to alleviate stress from the obsessions. Compulsions make up a ritual which is the behavior surrounding OCD.

I give the analogy from the book “Brain Lock” by Jeffrey M. Schwartz (if you want a great book on OCD recovery and or understand someone with OCD, I highly encourage you to read this book) about the brain being a motor with gears and transmission. 

• “One of the main signal-processing centers of the brain made up of two structures called the caudate nucleus and the putamen, can be thought of as similar to a gearshift in a car. The caudate nucleus works like an automatic transmission for the front, or thinking part, of the brain. Working with the putamen, which is the automatic transmission for the part of the brain that controls body movements, the caudate nucleus allows for the extremely efficient coordination of thought and movement during everyday activities. In a person with OCD, however, the caudate nucleus is not shifting the gears properly, and messages from the front part of the brain get stuck there. In other words, the brain’s automatic transmission has a glitch. The brain gets “stuck in gear” and can’t shift to the next thought.”

• OCD is related to a biochemical problem in the brain which is referred to as “Brain Lock” because 4 structures of the brain become locked together. When this occurs the brain sends false messages that I cannot readily recognize as false, especially when connected to physical sensations.

“Applying behavior therapy techniques, you can change how you respond to these thoughts and urges, and you can physically change the way your brain works.” 

10.20.21

 Over the weekend, Sunday night in particular I had an extreme panic attack. So intense that I feared I’d have to go to the hospital, the first time intrusive thoughts of suicide flooded my mind with graphic pictures and a true sense of worry and concern that I could very well follow through on such thoughts. I now know that those extreme thoughts and images were simply my brain trying to solve a problem {what OCD loves to do}, to end the intense feelings and death was the only thing my brain could muster at the moment. Clearly, I am not truly suicidal and enjoy my life. Though, struggling with OCD can make life harder.

The following day, Monday, I know that through God I was able to see my therapist that morning. I was called by their office asking if I would like an appointment time that had been canceled by another client. I made more connections during that session. Because of my state that day, and the type of session I had because of it, I was able to see certain OCD tendencies clearly, I understood what my OCD was and has been doing in some areas. Knowledge is power. 

My usual go-to ritual when OCD is overwhelming, creeping in to take over, is a panic attack. My brain sends signals to my body that things are not okay. My body starts to feel real, literal sensations that tend to take over against my will. This includes nausea, excess pooping, tightness in my core, the inability to feel the effects of breathing deep, and tingling energy that spreads from my stomach to my extremities. When circumstances get to this point I start to shut down, as a sense of surrendering to the monster that is taking over. I fear the monster, I fear what the monster will bring and it is my fear that allows the monster to create and follow through with what I fear. Compulsions such as isolation, sensory input (health and unhealthy), self-hate talk such as frustrations, annoyance, expectations, and running to the bathroom, taking cold baths or showers, using ice-packs to keep me cold, and shivering, in some instances causing myself to throw-up, ritual praying and breathing techniques.

The connection I made about this in therapy is that this response to OCD is actually a ritual. I’ve always thought that my body had no other option than to run the course of these sensations because OCD and anxiety were doing this to me, how could I stop a physiological effect? That the only way for me to feel better was to go through this hell. When in reality, those compulsions were only an attempt to have momentary relief, but they also feed the OCD. The physical sensations are real, they truly are present, but my mind can make a shift to create new neuropathways. I can manually shift the gears in my brain to move on from that stuck moment and begin to heal and progress.

Clearly, isolation was not helping, which is my default response or compulsion, which had a domino effect to other compulsions farthing the ritual. My therapist presented an alternative. A space to let me feel what I was feeling without labeling it. OCD panic attack episodes are nor pass/fail, black/white, good/bad. They are simply a feeling, a sensation that is presenting itself because of an underlining issue that wants to be heard and addressed. That by surrounding myself with comfort and positive physical sensations can impact for the greater good. 

OCD & a dream

 I had a dream last night. It was a tragedy that I’ve been through that clearly still haunts me. Trauma is funny like that. The biggest thing we want to let go and move on from is one of the hardest things to forget, and for obvious reasons. Though the dream didn’t play out a hundred percent factual, the deep-rooted feelings sure did. It’s nice that dreamland allowed me to manipulate the course and to fully express myself to have my voice heard and understood. Trying to find a better outcome, providing comfort to my heart and the inner voice, I was doing all I could to change the ending. However, in this dream it didn’t matter how hard I tried to have my voice heard, how hard I tried various things in various ways, the outcome was the same as real life. 

OCD fools me into thinking that I could have prevented trauma if I had only acted differently, blaming myself for others’ actions. After years of experience pivoting my way through OCD, you’d think I would outsmart the cyclical troll and move right past him, but not so much in the face of this trauma. “This is different,” he tells me. I’m easily manipulated into believing him “because the feeling is so raw and so real, let me show you” he convinces.  

At this moment I revisit the trauma, the primitive brain takes over. I lose all sense of reality and find myself in an alternate universe reliving not only that moment of trauma, but everything related, involved from that point thereafter. Together. Blended. This cohesion of the parallel universe and reality takes over my automatic communication between the frontal lobe and deeper structures of the brain causing fresh trauma to my moment in time, compounding the original trauma into a festering obsession. Fight or flight sets in. My brain starts to present alternate paths to solving this present problem, after all, OCD’s favorite thing to do is solve unsolvable problems. To create certainty no matter how far I have to wander off the path of reality. Oxymoron you might say. Yet the thought of rituals provides an immediate answer. The compulsions give momentary relief of the nagging, doom-induced, cyclical obsession and its army of anxiety. With this redirection of attention, I start to gain more consciousness of my senses and whereabouts. Reality moving faster than I can currently keep up with, I’m tied to it, being dragged like a dog owner being pulled on a leash, eventually, I’m moving as fast as the dog and I’m back in sync with reality. I’m snapped back into a raced metacognitive state. 

I realize I just experienced a PTSD-OCD episode, logically it was just a theoretical sensation with insignificant meaning. However, for my mind, body, and emotions it’s quite the opposite. My body is still responding as if I had really just lived through the threatening experience and I’m wanting to know the significant meaning of its presence. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Could there have been a different outcome? Anxiety still being high, a new slew of obsessions invades my mind severing the connection between my mind and my heart and its communication. The PTSD sensations fade while the OCD episode is still on a rampage. I’m aware that I am fine. I’m aware there is no present danger. Not physical, not psychological, not emotional. Yet my mind plays like a broken record. The automatic communication and processing halt and I’m stuck in gear. Not even my heart has a connection to my mind to pivot my way out of this. Living through this cycle on repeat in my heart as my brain replays the cycle over and over. OCD wanting to solve this puzzle without success, goes back to the immediate answer: compulsions. Compulsions lead to rituals. Rituals lead to temporary relief only to start the cycle over again. I’m grateful for the moment of relief, gaining my lost breath only to lose it again.

At this point, going through all I’ve been through, I’m exhausted. Gathering my footings, I come to realize the only way out of this is working through four steps. Four steps that are not a check box and not to be used as a compulsion, but to be used thoughtfully. This provides a manual shift in the gears that won’t budge. The question is, do I have enough energy to carry out these four steps?

I start by relabeling what I’m experiencing. Stating that this episode-these thoughts-intrusive images and feelings are not of me and my desires, I relabel what it actually is. I externalize it, this troll within me is not of me. It’s not a part of me. It’s not my true feelings, true desires, nor my subconscious surfacing. It’s not factual in the slightest. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, false signals, yet the troll wants me to believe that I am corrupt. A demon child who doesn’t deserve better, who doesn’t have worth or value. Though one statement can begin the externalizing process: it’s not me, it’s OCD. 

Reattributing comes next. Understanding why this troll lives within me and where it comes from gives me an upper hand in recovering from an episode. I am suffering because I’m experiencing Brain Lock, a chemical imbalance in my brain that can manually be manipulated and properly bring homeostasis again.

Next is the redirecting step. This is where I redirect my focus from the troll and his convincing lies and beliefs to something that keeps my attention. This is the hardest step of them all. While my mind is trying to occupy itself with engaging tasks and absorbing intel, the troll is screaming in my head. My body listens to the troll causing my body to react. Exhausted as I might be up to this point, I must find the inner strength to manually push this troll to the side otherwise he wins and all my hard work is for nothing as I relapse into another cycle of the OCD episode. From here I repeat steps one and two to ensure a sturdier foundation, to provide more strength to my mission. With success, I’m led to the fourth step. Revalue. 

I confirm in my mind and heart that the first 2 steps are truths. That the cycles in the episode (obsessions-intrusive thoughts-images-feelings) and the episodes themselves have little to no meaning because they are not me or who I am. This step is the step that takes the longest. Often times working on this step puts me back at step one, step two, or even step three. This is one of the most valuable steps because it reattributes how much worth is behind the troll’s accusations, the obsessions I’m experiencing. Successfully completing this step the troll and obsessions are inconsequential. For the first time, my body shows signs of relief. Still sitting on the edge of my seat with my overstimulated brain and heightened senses, I am aware of any potential triggers that I can defend myself against only to allow more obsessions to intrude my mind. A second cycle is initiated and the four steps are carried out again and again until recovery takes place.

Going back to my dream where no matter what I did to change the course, the outcome was the same. A part of me interprets this aspect of the dream as it wouldn’t have mattered what I said or did. People are people with their own free agency. To choose which they want. I want to give the benefit of the doubt, believe that they are better people than they portray, but the fact is… sometimes no matter the way a situation presents itself, they want a specific outcome and will fight for it. When this is combined with other variables… they win. They win despite my righteous desires.

But then I wonder if they truly won. If demoralizing one’s soul is worth the cost of material possessions then I don’t want to win. If material possessions replace love and humility then I don’t want to win. If my heart grows cold and vengeful from winning then I don’t want to win. If winning means that I’m benefiting from someone else’s cost I don’t want to win. My intuition refuses to turn a blind eye to such behavior. It saddens me that others’ pride prevents them from acknowledging the truth. To them I may not have won, I may not be in control, the ball might not be in my court. To them, I was defeated, tossed to the side for victory. However, I know the truth. I have a clear conscience. I have worth, value, and light. Their psychological game doesn’t use me like a pon like the inner troll thinks they do. I have risen above the immaturity tactics of the world, shedding the form of the natural man and evolving into love and light. Love.heals.everything.

2/27/20

 I can appreciate your concern and thoughts. But no, you are wrong about your assumptions. Britnee did not cause this and I won't be some sort of middle man trying to make her feel guilty for simply sticking up for her own sanity.

Dad asked Britnee to relay a happy birthday wish to Kailee a few days ago- 

1st - that is in and of itself a violation of the restraining order that John himself sought out and signed off on. Britnee did not simply call him and chastise him because she has feelings. Because of this, the fourth time he has made this same inappropriate request of Britnee to communicate for him, and having not learned from the previous three times she told him that it was inappropriate, she decided to make it more clear. She told him that she would not do that and that in the future it is inappropriate to ask that kind of thing of her and finally that if he wants to communicate with Kailee, then he needs to do away with the unnecessary restraining order. It is not "tough love" to build a legal wall between himself and his daughter, knowing that there can be serious legal consequences for small actions (such as his own) and then ask another CHILD of His, who is doing her best to keep herself from getting sucked into this ugly family feud, if she will skirt the law that HE chose. I mean come on, Britnee is human and that is simply unfair and cruel to take advantage HER patient and loving attempts to maintain a decent relationship her dad so that he can feel better about the stupid restraining order.

2nd - Britnee (and I) feels very strongly that the restraining order is excessive and unnecessary to begin with, and she has stated such HER father twice now. Her thinking is that there are in fact repercussions and consequences for this action that John and Sandra have not honestly considered.. like the destruction of already tentative relationships with his children. Even like what happened this week... He is unable to communicate a simple birthday wish because of the order. Already, he was unable to attend Jayson's recent baptism because Kailee was there. The potential list of painful consequences goes on and on, and for what? Some sort of hysterical belief that Kailee and Traca would actually want to make the hour long trip simply to terrorize anyone? Anyone who claims that it is necessary is truly kidding themselves or so caught up in their passions that they do not want actual healing because it means swallowing their pride to do so.

3rd - It is hyperbole and wrong to try and manipulate Britnee (or me) through the claim that "she is literally killing him". No, his own actions and those of Sandra and Marie should come under consideration for that. John has long had a brain disease, stress makes things worse. Two of the people that he loves most convinced him to sign off on the order against his daughter (and obviously seriously strain any possibility of a relationship with two other children). Sure, for them it was easy enough to say that it was necessary, they would not be suffering all that much because of the consequences (at least compared to what real suffering John is going through).. but then he has always let the women in his life push him around. That choice and the knowledge that it backfired and to him from his children is what causes the stress which causes the worsening symptoms. The real question is whether Mom's and Marie's pride in this matter is what's "literally killing him".

4th - yes, Kailee needs therapy, rehab, medication and all sorts of special consideration.. and yes, Traca has generally allowed and even seemingly encouraged some of Kailees disfunctionality. But they really need to stop patting themselves on the back for her court ordered treatment. She was already well on her way down that path and quite literally the only thing that has changed is that she has to tell a court about the treatment she is already receiving. Let's stop pretending that the court is the sole reason for Kailees treatment.. the whole thing feels tinged by the hate for Traca. I get that Tracas treatment of John was wrong and that she weaponized her children against him. She was wrong and Britnee and I have chastised her heavily for it. Yes I have even been in yelling arguments with Traca over her complacency when it came to really dealing with her children's problems, or her treatment of John. Maybe you are not aware, but Britnee and I even had a years long principal based moratorium on contact with Traca over similar such behavior from her. We can call a spade a spade both ways and equally. We had to draw a line in the sand and tell her that certain actions, comments or conversations are inappropriate and if she wants to maintain a loving relationship that she cannot cross that line. She still does sometimes, and even recently we have had to tell her to stop, much like Britnee did with Dad. We expect that we will constantly have to remind them both of all of our boundaries, it is just that this particular boundary is very poignant and hard for Dad to come to grips with.. If it seems unclear let me state it right here - Outside of communicating when the rules of the restraining order need to be applied to a situation, we will not discuss the events of the fight between Marie and Kailee, we view both sides as having fault and refuse to "pick a side" and will not allow attempts to convince or manipulate us, nor will we discuss Traca and Kailees business with with John and Sandra or vice versa. The Only possible exceptions can be in case of medical emergency, under which circumstances we will maintain the boundaries but understand when a slip up may occur (excepting as the restraining order must be applied).

Finally I would like to apologise for the length of my reply, but it needed to be said. I also thank you for reading this far and allowing me my say. Note - Because Dad repeatedly attempted to cross that boundary and repeatedly tried to recount the fight to Britnee even after her firm insistence that she did not want to discuss that with him and several reminders that Britnees relationship with him would be about a father and his daughter and nothing else, Britnee was hurt especially that she had to be so firm with her own Dad. We know that his capabilities have steadily declined over the last few years and that he will cross clear boundaries occasionally, but we will always make sure to reiterate them when needed. When she has had sufficient time to process and when she is ready she will talk to him again. He is her dad and she loves him.

I would caution you against assuming the context of something so fundamentally complex as this situation is. Britnee was well within her rights and the boundaries of the Parent and grown-child relationship to stick up for her own emotional health by having that hard conversation with her own father. A conversation that she chose to have because she does Love him, and because unlike her siblings, she wants to keep the relationship with him going. A conversation that defined which actions could harm or permanently damage the relationship if allowed to continue (her boundaries). A conversation of which should've been kept more private than it apparently was.

This is not a burned bridge by the way.. we still love you and yours. But the pain might take a short while to heal. I hope you can understand. And of course you are always welcome to include our names in prayers and Temple visits. I'm glad to know that your faith is so important to who you are and that you often think of us in that context.

Sincerely, if heavy hearted - Eric